Control issues

It is Sunday morning and where am I at? In pj's at my computer instead of at church...how strange life has become.

An update:

If you read my last post you already know a little about my spiritual challenge. And while I didn't allow rebelliousness to de-rail my heart with the "whys", I am still looking for the "so what now"...as in what is God's purpose for this mess.

Physically, my left hand is always tingling, feels continually "asleep" and has limited coordination. As I told my Dr. in a fatigue and drug-induced state, it is numb-ling. (Who knows what else I said, that is just one he didn't let me forget.) Hopefully the physical therapy will get that back to normal soon so I won't need help with buttons, can type with more then my right hand, etc. My left shoulder, due to surgery, also needs to come back to what I was used to, but oh how I miss that left hand! They said it could come back quickly so I feel hopeful.

Emotionally, I missed out on some major once-in-a-lifetime moments with a couple of my kids while in the hospital and still feel badly about it. As a mom who adores "being there" for her kids, this really sucked! Also during this time, my parents had a pre-planned trip to celebrate early Christmas with us. I was so grateful they were here, especially for the kids, but it wasn't exactly a celebratory visit.

And I managed to time this in such a way to miss 3 Christmas parties this week. For my husband, the classical Grinch, this was all good. But I really love to party at Christmas-time!

So I sit here in my pj's sipping tea, thinking about some of the hard stuff. Stuff that I like to control. And it has just kind of hit me...why fight this. Why fight for control! Just allow God to do His thing with me according to His timing. He doesn't need my approval or advice. He is God! He has a plan for my life. He is in control.

God is in control and has a plan!

God is in control of my life!

an old companion

when god allowed some hard stuff to happen to me these last 8 days, i had quite a bit of time to think...

and i could almost see my old companion rebellion sitting by my hospital bed.

i could almost hear her questioning whispers of why? become my own.

i could almost smell the sour scent of hopelessness that she prefers.

i could almost feel her crushing weight of bitterness on my chest.

almost.

but through the strength of the perfect companion, through god's word, through the encouragement of believing friends, my old companion rebellion could never make her full presence known to me.

i am so grateful.

Really?

In eight days, I am hostessing a humungus Christmas party at my house. (I get very excited about Christmas parties!)

And out of the next 8 days, I have the potential of spending four of them in the hospital. (Not so excited about hospitals!)

And this is what I am spending my valuable time on?



Really?

But here is the thing. I saw the most adorable arrangements using the exact same pieces in the huge pots downtown the other day and wanted one for my very own. Needless to say, mine is the ugly step-sister to the big professional ones. But I am still hoping to figure it out. Maybe more greenery.

Anyways, Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

"Out of the depths..."

A short visit to the hospital yesterday for a quick check up and a referral to a doctor closer to home turned into 7 hours, more tests, and a second and third opinion different from the first.

Back I go to Psalms 130, this time to verse 1 and 2...."Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

I know this chapter is a psalm of ascent and has to do with forgiveness of sin. In that, this Scripture highlights the bigger picture of the character of God. He is a God who listens, rescues, and is worthy of putting my hope in. And that is exactly what I need right now and in the following days.